When I stop being completely drowned in my own drama and egotism for even one minute I begin descrying that my friends are pretty insightful. It's because I chose them so, of course. [Or who knows, karma] No, actually, I've selected this immediate explanation in order to prove a point, namely that I am no good at paying compliments to people. Fact that was recently brought to my attention by one of my insightful friends, whom, of course, I chose so.
I was analyzing my socially autistic heart recently, and I guess this extremely circumscribed affinity to uttering my inside stormy weather has an army of siblings, which come as a full package and reunite like a numerous family around a dinner table, during some random occasion. Where they do not share anything but food and awkward silence, but they are forced to comply to a socially natural behaviour. Strange i should go for this allegory, but this must be it, my being incapacitated to say nice things to people and to praise them accordingly to their merits, the young moody teenage sister of my autistic heart.
So take this, I cannot go the extra cutesy mile and pay a beautiful compliment. And it's not even the fact that I never say nice things to people, maybe that'd be better, sometimes silence is the true philosopher's stone. It's my twisted way of pouring a bucket of irony or bitterness right on the top of my recently spoken honest compliment. Or the way I make it all about myself in the blink of an eye, without giving the poor commendation the slightest break to breathe or to be. It's the way I seldom choose to say "That's great" instead of "That's not bad".
Who knows where this handicap finds its roots. Might be in my endless insecurities, or in the way I was brought up, silently advised that showing people how valuable they're to you puts you in a vulnerable position. Might be just a tint of arrogance, of course pairing flawlessly with the aforementioned insecurities, which enables me to think that anything one can do I can do better, or at least I can top them with some other compensatory quality, however unrelated that might appear. And obviously, if I am worthy of all those compliments myself, why bother praise the others.
Wherever this comes from, my compliment aversion can be summed up perfectly using the worst break up line ever. It's not you, it's me. You are all amazing. But...
Later edit: here's some musical background also, don't exactly know what it has to do, but since I've been talking about my farfetched momentarily superiority...it's 'cause I feel like I'm the worst that I always act like I'm the best.
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