The First Day (of the Rest of my Life)

At this point I reckon I've been pretty outspoken about it, so there's probably no one not aware that as of this Friday I'm living in Paris for the following half a year.

Obviously, some fresh thoughts after my weekend spent here.

CDG airport is really pretty and well organized. I literally had my luggage running on the belt in around 10 minutes, which would never happen in Bucharest. Or in Amsterdam. Or wherever. Might have been just a fluke but it doesn't matter. Afterwards, the way to the bus/metro/taxis was quite comprehensive, so some more extra points for this unexpected French effectiveness. Even more extras for the taxi service, safe and fast and not at all dubious, with a really pleasant chauffeur. A little expensive, but totally worth the money.

Then the hotel for the first night. It was supposed to be a 3-star but was far from it. Kudos to the friendliness of the staff, who despite their limited English tried their best to cater to my needs.

Vive Google maps, who allowed me to get myself around in a really efficient manner. Vive the (only) nice girl from HR who took care to book a hotel at a walking distance from the studio they rented out for me.

The apartment. Is really cozy, equipped wonderfully with everything from teaspoons to pillows and to a washing machine. Even if it is rather small and built in a strange old building with a twisted wooden staircase, it is perfectly chic, modern, and suited to my needs. Extra points for the white furniture and for the surpise bed under my double bed. More extra points for the quiet and safe neighbourhood, and for the proximity to the city center. A small minus for being rather far from the office in the suburbs, but I guess this is the trade-off, ultimately the most advantegeous one.

The food. Just the one from the supermarket I've tried, priced moderately, somewhere between Bucharest and Oslo. The range of products is good, I'll not suffer from scarcity. Oh and I discovered they have Marks and Spencer food stores, so a big hurray!

The people. Look calm, polished and beautiful, and they speak this amazing language I shamefully cannot produce properly.

I this first weekend I walked over 15 km, discovered some Starbuckses and a huge Haagen-Dazs store,  bought groceries and office pants (not from the same place),wandered the entire Champs-Elysees, saw the Triumph Arch, got lost, was asked for directions, spoke a bit of French, was visited by a neighbour, unpacked my bags, and plenty more. 

What I did not do, despite the evidence, is be sad or homesick. So this can only mean these are the first days of the rest of my life, living my honeymoon stage with Paris. 

Good Things Come to Those Who Wait

I keep lingering over the gaudiest and most controversial sayings, in a strange way rooting for them, because I steadily proved to be a lab rat for the cliché sayings, that are searching to be impersonated, so I believe them to be true. It's usually the worst thing, when your experiences seem to perfectly fit the cheesiest phrases. But once in a while, the string of misfortunate apothegms plants a happy one. Fortunately now, after this string of smaller or bigger misfortunes, a happy cliché phrase is what's happening to me.

I had a bad year. I used to think it's just bad days, that it is not so awful after all, but now that all's about to change I realize I had a bad year. A little more than a year ago, I was telling a story about my experience in Oslo, I was resigned at the thought of returning home, but I kept telling myself that everything happens for a reason (booyah, another cliché phrase that pops my way).  I lived these 15 months with a constant feeling of frustration, not fully realizing that this was just a bad year and not actually knowing what I wanted to do about my unhappiness. As always, when people who give the slightest damn see you losing it, they try their best to drag you out of your misery. And guess what my dearests did, besides from the encouraging hugs and sweets and guilty glasses of wine (each with their own method and resources). They slowly bombed me with stereotype advice. Among which there was, 'don't worry, hun, good things come to those who wait'.

I found that preposterous, I laughed to myself and to their face, reckoning that obviously that was so stupid. Only now, after having beaten up the bad year, do I realize that if drifting away from the strict sense of this saying, it does gain some sense after all. I kept thinking that waiting refers to merely laying around, waiting for God or whoever to throw some magnificent happenings your way. My mind could only grasp the passive alternative of waiting, and I could not imagine how in any universe anyone with a trace of brain would think that is a solution. But then, or better said recently, I learned that there's also an active side to waiting, commonly known as patience. Thus I realized that good things do happen to those who wait, but not in vain and not for a miracle, but have the equanimity to rip the benefits of their own actions at the right time.

This being said, self-confidence boosted through the roof,  in less than a month I'm departing to Paris, to practice my French, to eat macaroons, to see the Eiffel Tower, to wear red lipstick in a French fashion, to test all the clichés, to live my dream and to try my limits. This time in a good way, doing what I like, learning a lot, hopefully for half of a good year. 

One can never be too happy though, full happiness is only for the weak. While on one side I'm joyfully learning that good things come to those who wait, on the other I'm learning the hard way that if you wait too long, it might be too late.

Image source

Irrelephant.

If you want trainings on how to successfully be irrelevant, I'm your man. I don't know how I do it, but apparently among my numberless 'talents' there's also this weird one. Of being easygoing after my two minutes of adaptability request have been granted, of being in the center of attention although sometimes attention whorish, and being adorable nonetheless, however not having my name or myself per se remembered or seriously accounted for.

It would not be such a momentous issue, were it to be limited exclusively to my will to be endlessly likeable to them all boys and girls, to be listened and contemplated by wide believing eyes and ears and have my brains fedback out. This level of frivolous significance I did achieve, but mostly from people who unfortunately are themselves irrelevant to me. I'm not generalizing and by no means I mean this as a gratuitous iniquity, them people cannot be all equally important, but I be damned if I'm not a masochist and choose to heartily prioritize those who will not give a damn.

What's becoming more and more stringent and obvious is that I fail to shine exactly where I mostly should. And it is frustrating as hell, and exemplifiable in all freakin major areas . Because I can do a great job, an outstanding one if I may brag a bit, but I fail to show it. And my being a silent achiever, why, no thanks. Because opportunities keep flying around making my head spin, but I cannot grasp them at their entirety and I have people asking me if I'm showing the real me and if I'm exploiting myself at full capacity. And my forcedly waltzing forever with the wrong job, again, no thank you. Because I try to express my frustrations, or at least start somewhere, and my wish to have a healthy discussion is waved in another's non-wish to polemicise. And my settling for sterile half-relationships, no more, no thank you.

Heartbreaking is that I do realize my irrelevance, the big elephant in the room, and I do try to push for a change. But if people and circumstances have already decided on one's level of significance, it's rather tough to change that. Meanwhile, quoting, I'm just gonna go and stand outside, and if anyone asks, I'm Outstanding.

That Awkward Morning

That awkard moment. When you wake up one random morning after sleeping for very few hours, after your nerves have been forced like a chewing gum spread until exhaustion, after you have done favours on top of favours with no pleasure whatsoever. One morning when you have to be in two or more places at once, you cannot put anything in your system besides an ice coffee prepared with hot water, because you're running out of milk. That specific morning when you've already done so much and don't know how you did it, but there's still so much ahead. When your appearance brings about cleaning facilities, eyebrows mops, hair broom. But you have to fix it and move on. That one time when despite all odds you have to shine and be simply great. That awkward awful morning before the amazing one.

Later edit: I got through today. I just gained back an idol. Aaand Grey's Anatomy has freaking good music. Since ever, forever and ever.

Day 1

The first day of my self imposed improvement programme, which makes complete sense to me while totally perplexing the others, granting me the "crazy eyes" sneer from them, went rather great. One would expect that my enthusiasm should decrease as we count down [or up] the days, but in this concern I am quite atypical. And by this I mean that at the beginning of anything I tend to be rather reluctant, not completely disinterested yet sort of detached. But if I don't start by being the most enthusiastic, in time I'm prone to become fonder and more committed, up to the point of overinvolvement. So if I conformed myself to my cause from Day 1, our attachment will for sure reach the top of convolution as the days go by.

After the intricate introduction, a little bit of measurable success. Cause after all, it is not so much about the process, but totally about the success.

By category.

Try out something new: I discovered a brand new singer, Clare Maguire, liked it a little bit. Took a different route home. Drank an entire can of Dr. Pepper, found it a bit overrated.

Find out something interesting about someone dear: learned my boyfriend's favorite foods and my roomie's teenagehood wishes, thank you dears for bearing with me, but there's more to come as there aren't so many truly dears for me.

Do something nurturing for my mind: learned more then 10 words in German, got a positive escalation at work.

Do something happy for my body: Took a 40 minute walk, will put on a face mask by the end of the day. And will do the 8 minute abs.

Acknowledge something I don't like and talk about it: This is a tricky one, at a trivial level, I scolded a colleague for inattentively dropping bread crumbs in the pizza box. At a deeper level, I owned what a horrible listener I am.

Pay an honest compliment: I kept praising a colleague's dog, which is honestly the cutest pet in the world. Besides my own cat. Ok, cutest dog in the world.

Scored 6 out of 6, I'll drink to that. 

Healer's List

Since I have recently decomposed all the "constructive criticism" I received from well intended ladies or gents, there still remain the flaws I do a great job discovering by myself. Reading me one would swear that, at least at a theoretical level, I am striving to overcome my defects, training to become an utopian being. But here's what I have to cope with. I've been recently struggling with a underdog feeling. No matter what I do, I sense that I am underachieving in every and all areas possible. Which gives me a constant feeling of discontent, and an adjacent outward dissatisfied state, which further throws me into a vicious circle. Dissatisfied me is more or less [most likely more] bitchy, demotivated, bitter, indecisive, moods that translate into my giving less than I could actually give and my taking in far less than I would deserve,  which by all means cause more discontent and draw wider circles on what used to be calm water. Dismayed me is far less interesting, way more nagging, always bearing ludicrous questions or dismal topics.

My weird life policy, which consisted of my hating my own guts but strangely still considering myself above the rest of nearby mankind, started to reveal more and more loopholes. All this odd thinking does no good, but turns against me in the most nefarious way. So since I recently learned about myself that I am getting better at meeting deadlines, and since there's huge intrinsic pressure to add some value to my 25th anniversary, which is supposed to be a life-changing moment [when I should miraculously wake up wiser and thoroughly mature, like on every somewhat round birthday], I give myself exactly 4 weeks to improve. Despite of what may  seem comprehensive evidence, I am a pragmatic rather than a dreamer, so I am not expecting some motivational crap [this time molded in the form of  "to do list"]  to fundamentally change me in such a short time span, as I keep trusting that people stay more or less the same, what changes are just the circumstances they act upon. What I do expect though is to become more accustomed to what I am and have and cope better with my reality, in order to find a way to rise still being true to whatever that reality is. 

Among the daily action items on my healer draft, I listed whatever may drag me a step further from my self instated fear and loathing, i.e. paying an honest compliment, finding out something new about a person I say I love, doing something nurturing for my brain, doing something happy for my body, acknowledging a disturbing fact and talking about it, trying out something unfamiliar. Putting it trivially, I cannot keep claiming the supremacy on myself if I don't learn being the one I appreciate most, and I cannot preach my love for the others if I keep failing them. So let the countdown begin. Motivational much? Motivational music also, be it.

I am, whatever you say I am.

I am really awful when it comes to accepting critiques. In an ingrate kind of way, I keep criticizing everything that moves or breathes, but I have this abominable habit of failing to take in the "constructive commentaries". In an even more ingrate kind of way, and sort of weird at some level, I stir up people to point out my flaws, only to afterwards indulge in the nasty things I hear about myself. Then I somehow twist them around in my twisted head, cover them up in sugarcoating, until they actually have a chance of appearing in a positive light. There's this standard question in all the pre-interviews, where one should point out their strengths and weaknesses. What's even more common than the question itself is the fact that everyone's aware that one ought to find a defect that can be, in some manner, turned around so that it turns into a quality. 

I'd hate to be misunderstood, and in my defensive fashion of presenting facts, I'm gonna start from the premise that I am by no means infallible, on the contrary, I keep discovering imperfections every day. It's just that the people who think of themselves as fit to bring up my flaws, are simply that kind of people that provide me with pre-interview convertible weaknesses.

I've been recently told that I am difficult. That was because I had the guts to get into an argument with a guy who proclaims himself as "a smart guy that reads a lot", and the recklessness to contradict his 1 inch broad vision. I decided to conclude that by "difficult" he meant "complex", which after all is not bad at all, is it?

I've been scolded for being pretentious and snobby. Yes, I care about the place I buy my underwear and coffee from, and I fancy going on holidays abroad instead of my homeland. But it's only because I have a strong practical sense long term wise and when feasible I don't cut down on quality.

So, they say I am also arrogant and unnecessarily sarcastic, especially when meeting new people. I reckon a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do, and on the top of my list is filtering as conveniently as possible the persons I surround myself with. If I can still go for sarcasm and arrogance instead of an axe, so be it!

You would never guess, I am also precious. Not in a nice sense, I don't believe I've unlocked that achievement, of being truly precious for anyone else except my mother. I apparently am a sylphid brat. Just because I have the nerve sometimes to be a bit protective of my own (precious) self.

After all these bluntly stated opinions, what else is there? I'd guess nothing but bitterness and a proper music background. Whatever,  whatever,  whatever.

You're amazing, but...

When I stop being completely drowned in my own drama and egotism for even one minute I begin descrying that my friends are pretty insightful. It's because I chose them so, of course. [Or who knows, karma] No, actually, I've selected this immediate explanation in order to prove a point, namely that I am no good at paying compliments to people. Fact that was recently brought to my attention by one of my insightful friends, whom, of course, I chose so.

I was analyzing my socially autistic heart recently, and I guess this extremely circumscribed affinity to uttering my inside stormy weather has an army of siblings, which come as a full package and reunite like a numerous family around a dinner table, during some random occasion. Where they do not share anything but food and awkward silence, but they are forced to comply to a socially natural behaviour. Strange i should go for this allegory, but this must be it, my being incapacitated to say nice things to people and to praise them accordingly to their merits, the young moody teenage sister of my autistic heart.

So take this, I cannot go the extra cutesy mile and pay a beautiful compliment. And it's not even the fact that I never say nice things to people, maybe that'd be better, sometimes silence is the true philosopher's stone. It's my twisted way of pouring a bucket of irony or bitterness right on the top of my recently spoken honest compliment. Or the way I make it all about myself in the blink of an eye, without giving the poor commendation the slightest break to breathe or to be. It's the way I seldom choose to say "That's great" instead of "That's not bad".

Who knows where this handicap finds its roots. Might be in my endless insecurities, or in the way I was brought up, silently advised that showing people how valuable they're to you puts you in a vulnerable position. Might be just a tint of arrogance, of course pairing flawlessly with the aforementioned insecurities, which enables me to think that anything one can do I can do better, or at least I can top them with some other compensatory quality, however unrelated that might appear. And obviously, if I am worthy of all those compliments myself, why bother praise the others.

Wherever this comes from, my compliment aversion can be summed up perfectly using the worst break up line ever. It's not you, it's me. You are all amazing. But...

Later edit: here's some musical background also, don't exactly know what it has to do, but since I've been talking about my farfetched momentarily superiority...it's 'cause I feel like I'm the worst that I always act like I'm the best.

Sundays I go crazy, this one too

It's like a hungry revolting monster eats me up every Sunday morning. I wake up wanting to act normal, well, at least the normal I used myself to, but I somehow slip into the crazy Sunday mood. Not quite sure what influences me to embrace this socially unacceptable conduct, it's not like every Saturday night I get stepped over and soul-absorbed by a thousand people trying to attend an overrated event or, oppositely, I feel randomly ignored. It was a mere happening that those should happen this Saturday, so it might explain today's partial Sunday fail, but what do we do about the rest? Because trust me, I am to be reckoned with in this holy day of the week, I wish I found a way I were not.

Somewhat helpful for the Sunday social monster was tonight's outing. We went to see Shorts Up via London in a newly opened location, some sort of an industrial space, overestimated, from my humble perspective. The course of events was rather acceptable, starting with a concert of Moonlight Breakfast, a fresh young band, whose lead singer seemed quite stoned to me. Their music is bearable though, I most definitely recommend it for steamy circumstances, for those who experience them, more or less. 

What followed was a number of short British movies, 5 to 15 minutes, which carried my mind and feelings through a rollercoaster. The journey started literally up with a "lift story", which I guess wanted to have a profound strike, but I had not achieved the right cultural status yet, so what I perceived was a bunch of people going in and out of an elevator and interacting at a superficial level. Meh, it worked though, superficial can be my thing. What followed was a rather disturbing tale from a sperm bank, which beyond the trivial and somewhat kinky cover up, I suppose was a pointer to how selfish and crazy can loneliness make human beings. But then again, who is not crazy and selfish may throw the first stone. Then an amusing alter ego story, about how can one take in one's dark side and learn to live with the horrible feelings and cravings that eat one's inside up. Rather appropriate story for my Sunday mood swings. Then Nolan's short up about a bug, from what I concluded a cinematographic interpretation of Kafka's metamorphosis, which I unfortunately missed while trying out the eco restrooms. Last but not least there was Stanley Pickle's story, which ruined everything I had been striving to build up with British muffins, Grolsch and enjoyable trivial little movies. The maximum level of sadness wrapped up in a toy story, with piglet sweaters, green fields and purple ribbons. Which brought me back exactly to the state I started the morning with, outmost heartly autism. We left before the bald lady sang, otherwise who knows what would have become of us. And who else to attend to the more earthly tasks Sunday evening brings about. All in all, I survived another week end without stewing someone, be it myself, which is great. And there's even more silver lining to the current situation. Tomorrow's Monday, so, good news, it cannot possibly get worse. 

Meanwhile, chop chop with your eyes wide open the delicious butter cream muffins, and forgive my crazy Sundays.

Later edit: A-ye, I shook out my stone age and discovered how to add videos, so here's also a sample of the Moonlight breakfast, a song so true it hurts.

To you,courtesy of my autistic heart

Every long road or emotional rollercoaster begs for a corny wrap up. Even if measured in miles or years, smiles or fears, and by no means is this a Shakespearean endeavor, every now and then during such a journey there's no harm in peeking on the agenda of our first world tormented hearts. And today, while loving windmills and being weird ‘cause I hate goodbyes, what harm in x-raying the intricate curricula of my own little black autistic heart. I'm naming it so, and by no means shall I apologize, not after what it's making me go through. While I'm a strong believer in the supremacy mind over heart, and I'm seriously striving to force my feet on the ground so as to not become a complete model of silliness, there's times when the wise brain girl falls short, suppressed by the stupid heart girl. Those times, despite of my easiness to speak my mind, which is apparent, my heart is just a dreamy version of a stammered dork, which refuses to be spoken out. By now I've learnt exactly how this goes, I know what moodiness to expect and just how long it takes my brain to turn on its self defense facilities and kick the little bitch's arse. But those of you who both matter and are around to witness the transitory frustrations, superficiality, coarseness, bipolarity or obnoxious silence, would you be so kind  as to grant me the temporary insanity clause, based on my brazen heart's starlet appearance. Like, those times when I choose to have one too many or one too little emotions, to be oversensitive or insensitive right at the wrong moment. Or, when I refuse to talk about important stuff but pour instead a huge pile of trivia in what I  find to be an empty conversation slot. Or when I get too upset and decide to run and hide, I swear it is just to come back lighter and giving more. How about when I say too much of the things you don't feel comfortable hearing, just for my own twisted momentary amusement. Or when it's impossible for me to bluntly say "I'm sorry" or "I love you", when I emote those a little bit too much even for my brain to cope. So bear with me, if I go crazy for a slight moment, get bitter on your watch, or give you the salad or nail polish talk. It doesn't mean I love you less; it's just my being uneasy with my autistic heart.

 Image source

Chocolate for breakfast

In one's childhood years, one cannot hold back the desire to grow up as fast as possible. One imagines that together with adulthood there comes freedom, independence, will of choice, mature thinking, unconstrained but wise decision making and so much fun related to all of the above. 

One tries momma's heels, even if at one's early age they don't fit, neither straightforwardly, nor metaphorically. One puts on an outrageous amount of make-up, resulting in a clownish caricature of a grown up. Which makes the little one feel simultaneously so classy and yet so confused and enraged at the big ones' laughter. One begs grandma to pour a teaspoon of coffee in the morning milk, then one sips full of importance the barely brownish hot beverage. Another one lusts at father's tobacco pack or glass of brandy, or maybe this was in the 1920's. Better said, another one craves father's pack of Kent 8 and the glass of gin tonic, while merely indulging in passive smoking and wondering if that day will come when smoking and drinking will not be so out of reach. One, if that one a girl, or nowadays not necessarily, dreams of a puffy white dress and grotesque matching tiara. One awaits having their own children and exert responsibility on them "better than one's parents" did. If one is not a blue eyed curly blonde, one dreams of dying and curling their hair and wearing contacts to fix that. The same applies for one who is a blue eyed curly blonde but fantasizes about being a straight haired hazel eyed brunette. One swears that when fully grown up will go to sleep at 3 AM, no one bugging them to get some early rest. One vows to eat sweets for all meals and forget about the existence of broccoli and spinach. 

This switch child to adult does happen, when you suddenly become a grown up and you get to make all the decisions for yourself. From there, the most natural reaction is..oh, crap! You cannot go back to being an irresponsible child, it's like this switch completely brainwashes you and you are keen on being fully accountable for your own existence. Parents and older grown-ups will keep being parents and older grown-ups, but if their advice was non-disputable and by all means acceptable until the switch, and you would trust without protests their sanity, after you have become a "responsible adult" yourself, any attempt to set things straight from their part becomes irritating and far-fetched. Even if you'd die for someone to take Those Decisions for you, and fix That Pile of Problems over there, and teach That Very Person a lesson, the sudden adulthood does not let you sleep well at night if you don't do that yourself. The range of issues you're confronted with is outrageously varied.

From a mere amount of carrots in the meatballs or the selfie to post on Facebook, till the number of coffees tolerable a day, the perfect shampoo against hair loss, amount of mistakes or flaws acceptable per friend, ending with the pillars, like place to live, career, person to share one's life with. 

While I care deeply for my somewhat recently acquired adult status, and I am pleased I can wear 15 cm heels, drink frappes or vodka orange, sleep by choice from 2 to 6, there are moments when I curse adulthood and its strings attached from the bottom of my heart. Like this morning, after snoozing my phone for 3 times in no mood of turning on my work laptop, while fighting chickenpox by my own self, when I was trying to pull myself together to cook some healthy breakfast, but grabbed a Belgian chocolate instead. Then's when the gorgeous heels hurt your feet, coffee makes you anxious, you wish you could go out of the house without the make-up you were so much yearning for when younger, but you cannot because of the dark circles caused by going to sleep at 3 AM (by choice) and you’d kill for a broccoli home-cooked meal. Just saying, there are times when being an adult sucks, it's simple logic, when we grow up our dramas grow with us as well. 

There are times when not even high heeled shoes, caffeine or sex make do. I kid you not, not even chocolate for breakfast.

20(years of awkwardness)1(+)1(equals 2.0), or numerically correct a briefing of 2011

It is only politically fair to the year of 2011 to make a societal, sentimental, introspective, retrospective balance sheet of the past 12 months. Not only because I read some really inspirational posts on the subject, that fueled the green monster of envy and its brotherly peer, the writing muse. Not even because, according to some apocalyptic thinking (equally nonsensical and overrated if you ask me), this might be the last chance to use New Year's as an excuse for resolutions, reminiscing, wishing. But because one way or the other we do constantly create some sort of scales on our course of action and living. And this clearly reaches the peak of drama under the pretext of overpriced Champagne, pet disturbing fireworks and flipping the last page in one's cat printed calendar. And, at the end of the day, be it the 31st of December, what's more fashionable than some heart poured right in the reader's face, some happiness and bitterness prone to be reason for concerns or gloating.
My 2011 started quite typically, away from home (if sticking to the classical definition for "home"), with elaborated plans for New Year's that turned into an elaborated disaster, similar in effect to some last minute planning. With some drunken birds and onions, plenty of booze to drunken up the birds and humans, an indoor picnic, some hours of street wandering, a whole bunch of awkwardness but some sort of cozy end, or better said beginning. One may say that someone put a spell on us(me), which brings every New Year's Eve to a whole new level of weirdness year after year. Me, I just find it appalling that all the stress of creating something beautiful turns into a hot mess. So, resolution for 2012, if Mother Earth is still kind enough to have us for another year, the New Year's plans will be bloody light and spontaneous.

This round and puffy year continued with some months even further away from home(and now we must not necessarily stick to the classical definition of home, cause after all home is where your heart is and mine was miles away) in beautiful but freezing cold Norway. There's where I learned plenty of things (with the risk of being repetitive) about the world, about the others, but mostly about me. But my version of the Oslo tale was already told earlier in this written history.

Starting sometime in May I experienced one of the nastiest things that ever occurred, when my hair started to leave me deciding there's too much drama in my head and that's not a safe environment to live. It still hangs on to that decision, but has loosened up a little. It probably figured I've learned my lesson. And it's somewhat true. It indeed made me remember how much I used to complain that my hair was not pretty, thick or long enough. Now I want that back as I figured it was not bad at all. It's taught me the rough way that sometimes I can be too picky, so, extrapolating, another resolution for 2012 is to be slightly more thankful for what I have, and try to think less of what could've been better if I have no plans of changing it. And if my hair will be able to handle being turned into blonde during this year, it'll mean that I'm ready for so much more changes for the better in my life.

Sometime in June I came back to Bucharest. It ached more than I let see, as I felt it like a huge defeat. I am not sure what I was aching for, as I am not ever quite sure of anything. Well actually there are few things I am sure of, after working hard for becoming so, and this conducts to another huge resolution for this year, to leave this country without looking back.
Then came July, and together with it my first real job. Unfortunately for me and those who know me, probably better than they wished, I am not the most patient of beings, so timeliness was crucial when deciding what company to embrace. So here I am, 6 months later, having learned responsibility, not loving it, but being grateful for plenty of things, among which the fact that from a million jobs available in this world, I have ticked one I do not want to do. So basically I am closer to figuring out what I want to do with my career, whose thorough planning seems just a little less acceptable than planning a shelter scheme in case of a zombies' apocalypse. But in my twenty fifth year of existence, to embrace the roundness of a quarter century, I target reasonability and wisdom, so, "grown up" resolution, figure out what the heck amma gonna do about this sensitive point called career.

In August I started doubting a lot, firstly myself and then anything else around me that could be doubted. And my doubt was fueled by all the other doubters out there.

It seems like September has been the month of changes and heart furnishing. It was then when I decided to change my parasite status and to literally move in with the best flat mates ever, who are temporarily and successfully filling the empty slots in my inner and outer being, who are putting up with my bipolarity and who are willing to try my cooking and for whom I'd bake all the muffins in the world (where of course muffins are a foodie euphemism for love). While I pulled two people really close to my soul, unfortunately September was also the month when I started to be a socially awkward penguin, and at a more or less conscious level I decided to push other people away, reason for which I was anything but approachable for the last quarter of 2011. Which I am trying to fix starting as of...well, the day before yesterday.

I guess many more important events happened during these past 12 months, my cat was sick but recovered, I visited 7 countries, I baked dozens of cakes, I bought tons of underware, I played Guitar Hero on Expert, I've published this blog, I gained some people and lost some people, I wrote a thesis, I graduated my Master,I ate a lot of shrimps, I grew up a little, I disappointed a little, I got a lot on people's nerves, I was loved a little more, bla, plenty of trivia on the tip of my tongue right now.
Like in a round and vicious dream, the end of the year found me on foreign land again, this time in a literally feverish atmosphere, testing for the millionth time my inexistent patience and challenging my limits. But fortunately, my heart is so oxymoronic (if not bluntly moronic) that my limits have become limitless (without any magic transparent pills) and while I doubt loving the love of my life, I start loving him even more. Related to this, there can be no resolution, it's just my truth and I am fully living it, be it 2012 or whenever.

Little nothings for little people

I have no idea why. It is maybe because we were brought up in the spirit of enjoying little pleasures, of comforting ourselves with tiny happiness(es), or that we were taught it should be the small things that give us a joyful state of mind, that we drown forever in this littleness.
We choose to talk little. I'm not speaking about quantity, shoot, who am I to say that? I am not even speaking about tone or emphasis, but about content. We speak about all the nonsense, we gossip till we lose our breath, we even discuss weather or food like huge topics. But the important stuff, we choose to ignore. Because of course, in our Lilliputian thinking, not talking about something big makes it go away. Just like that, like a charm. Because it is oh such a charming little world, this world we live in. I would like to shake this fake charm away with my rough talking about all the big and disturbing subjects.
As an appendix to talking, there is the complaining. We would complain about all the little things: a bitter salad, a broken nail, a day too warm, the wrong color or fit of a pair of pants, but we would never take off our chest the big stones. We feel as if throwing away a handful of dust from our rusty being fixes it, but the huge rocks stay there. Is it because we always fear that the objects of our affection(which prove to be so many and so scattered) might somehow find themselves in the rock's trajectory? I myself would like to be able to complain about all the things that really upset me, and less about all the trivia that make me come across as a spoiled princess.
We listen little, we just smile dumbly when someone throws the aforementioned dust. And let everything slide past our ears. Who knows, maybe it is just a way of protection against the rocks that might tumble unintentionally towards us. Or maybe it's just carelessness. We're just plainly too little to differentiate between.
We take little advice. Of course, we would ask for advice concerning all the stupid things, giving away the impression that we are so very interested in the others' opinion. But for the big stuff, well, no advice whatsoever.
We give little. We boast with pretence of altruism, we ask for loads of affection, love, understanding, patience, but we give very little in return. And when we don't get the greatness we ask for, we pout like babies, taking away even the littleness we were willing to give in the first place. Taking our toys and leaving the playground. And this leaving, going back and forth leads us to expecting less and less in time. And to feeling less and less.
We hug a little, touch a little, and then run a little. We commit a little,surrender just as much, and then become a little defensive. We suffocate a little from the little worries and forget a little about the big picture. We give up a little on ourselves and then give up a little more on the others.
We laugh a little, cry a little, we're a little angry, we're a little excited, we get a little scared, then we gather a little courage, that at the end of the day gets us into a little trouble. We have all these little problems that make us die a little inside. While we're living big our little lives.
I guess this might be disturbing,but I'm just not happy with being a little happy. Come on, be a big fish with me in this little pond.

Cri's Fruity Meltdown. Copyrighted recipe

I had been yearning for something sweet for some days. Since I am trying to get at least something right in my uberdramatic life(where nothing seems to work my way, but this is a recurring theme, check iwishistoppedcomplainingallthetime.cri to find out more), and my diet seems most in-reach, I said no to the oh-so-tempting-wide-wide range of Norwegian sweets and figured out that I can only accept something done by my two little skilled hands. Of course, I am such a hypocrite now, I will so miss the oh-so-tempting Norwegian sweets. But hypocrisy is, again, a recurring theme.

So what have I thought?Great idea, of course. I got rid of the last(!!!) ever exam in my student life, so I reckoned, why not prepare something, to emphasize this ending. Just for myself, to enjoy alone. And what more apropriate than a traditional meltdown?

I already had some of the ingredients. The aforementioned hypocrisy. But wait, mine was not enough so I had to borrow. No worries, there was plenty available, people are more than willing to give you some. I added some tablespoons of disappointment, both in myself and in the others. Never underestimate the mix of different flavors. Then I went crazy with one cup of self-loathing and one of misunderstandings. Misunderstandings are a species of conflicts, which, like the wine, become better in time. Needless to say that in such an upsidedown recipe and mind overall, the scales of "goodness" are also messed up. Since I lacked sense of direction, I was forced to replace it with a few insecurities. When I saw how perfectly they blend, I added them all. What else is there? A sprinkle of unfulfilled desires, a bit of frustration, a touch of denial and a little bag of sick love. Only at the end I realized that I had put all these together, but they were all dry products. Dust to dust. So I had to improvise with some drops of angry tears to have a homogenous mix: The Meltdown!

To be served with bitter bitter chocolate and fresh fruit. Not to be shared, it's rather a selfish dish. And to be accompanied with nerdy pop-rock.
The recipe is hard to recreate, but no worries, it can turn out quite successful even if you miss some of the constituents. No need to follow mine, one can give it a personal twist. How easily one obtains it is somehow inversely proportional with one's own inner strenght. I myself don't fancy meltdowns too often, I find it really hard to diger them, but after I do, I do feel lighthearted and ready to go a while without such sweets. And promise myself that there will not be a next time, unless there is a menacing pile of perfect ingredients. And from time to time there is.

If you're too coldhearted, or just too happy, just go with a plate of fresh fruit. Like this.