Healer's List

Since I have recently decomposed all the "constructive criticism" I received from well intended ladies or gents, there still remain the flaws I do a great job discovering by myself. Reading me one would swear that, at least at a theoretical level, I am striving to overcome my defects, training to become an utopian being. But here's what I have to cope with. I've been recently struggling with a underdog feeling. No matter what I do, I sense that I am underachieving in every and all areas possible. Which gives me a constant feeling of discontent, and an adjacent outward dissatisfied state, which further throws me into a vicious circle. Dissatisfied me is more or less [most likely more] bitchy, demotivated, bitter, indecisive, moods that translate into my giving less than I could actually give and my taking in far less than I would deserve,  which by all means cause more discontent and draw wider circles on what used to be calm water. Dismayed me is far less interesting, way more nagging, always bearing ludicrous questions or dismal topics.

My weird life policy, which consisted of my hating my own guts but strangely still considering myself above the rest of nearby mankind, started to reveal more and more loopholes. All this odd thinking does no good, but turns against me in the most nefarious way. So since I recently learned about myself that I am getting better at meeting deadlines, and since there's huge intrinsic pressure to add some value to my 25th anniversary, which is supposed to be a life-changing moment [when I should miraculously wake up wiser and thoroughly mature, like on every somewhat round birthday], I give myself exactly 4 weeks to improve. Despite of what may  seem comprehensive evidence, I am a pragmatic rather than a dreamer, so I am not expecting some motivational crap [this time molded in the form of  "to do list"]  to fundamentally change me in such a short time span, as I keep trusting that people stay more or less the same, what changes are just the circumstances they act upon. What I do expect though is to become more accustomed to what I am and have and cope better with my reality, in order to find a way to rise still being true to whatever that reality is. 

Among the daily action items on my healer draft, I listed whatever may drag me a step further from my self instated fear and loathing, i.e. paying an honest compliment, finding out something new about a person I say I love, doing something nurturing for my brain, doing something happy for my body, acknowledging a disturbing fact and talking about it, trying out something unfamiliar. Putting it trivially, I cannot keep claiming the supremacy on myself if I don't learn being the one I appreciate most, and I cannot preach my love for the others if I keep failing them. So let the countdown begin. Motivational much? Motivational music also, be it.