How I sometimes cannot eat my stupid dull sandwich or chase my pet mouse or proudly ride my colored bike without thinking what if.
How I could take me 3 years, 3 months, 3 seconds, to go from zero to crazy because of you only.
How I never told you I knew for sure you were the one, and then you just knew you weren't.
How I have no doubt it was wise to let you let me go, but then I have them all.
How I became so much better for you, and all of the sudden so much worse because of you.
How I knew I did not want crazy eyed, thin haired, moody and bipolar babies wearing tiny uggboots and foreign names, till I knew I did because they could mean more you's.
How I never shouted you should go, stay, care, come back when I should have said everything, and when you should have done everything.
How I don't care about being blunt about how I feel for the last time, or actually for the first.
How you'd make me more retarded and controlless than a space cake.
How I wanted you to be the happiest and I the one to cause it, and how disarming was to discover that I could only do that by pulling a disappearance act.
How I act half my age when having to face and stand up for my own truth, or when it comes to accepting concepts like No, Impossible, Contretemps.
How I was not ready to save you yet.
How I am scared that someone will love me differently, too soon, especially now when I try to persuade myself that different is better.
How I am even more scared that this one time ever you really knew what you were doing.
How this is not meant to be a bold statement nor a lame love song, but it's most definitely much of both.
You will never know. Only that now, you do.
