Maximum two

Spoiler: that is the number of people it takes to make or break a relationship.

Recurring conversation topics nowadays in any group of people I hang out with are around cheating, open relationships, love triangles, anything involving a tad more than the average two smitten individuals. Could be that I am pathologically drawn by people prone to dysfunctional shit. Or maybe taglines like "bigger is better" or "more is more" are also catching on when it comes to the number of parties that have to participate in a relationship.  Perhaps it was there all along and people are now just more daring in tackling these subjects. Nevertheless, human matters of the heart and interaction in general are devolving. And I, of course, have a take on it.

You see, I pride myself with being an above average open minded fella. I promise I have the personality tests results to prove it. However, when it comes to this, my counting skills don't go higher than two.

Let me first clarify the borders of my distress. I'm not referring to that drunken threesome that still kind of, sort of seemed like a good idea. Or those multiple insignificant Tinder flings that one juggles in order to boost their pathetic lonesome ego. Not even  that one time when you might have accidentally fucked that other guy while your sweetheart was in summer camp. And regretted it terribly.

I'm talking about the real deal here. That something worth, well, commitment and, um, feelings and...stuff. About what you supposedly have with someone when you've informed yourself: "Bro, this is IT."

When it comes to that, there is no such thing as a third wheel, successful nose poking, second best or several significant others. Tricycles are lame. Poking only works in stuffy relationship settings.  You don't also want a Ladurée once you've had a Pierre Hermé. That's greedy. And nope, those ladies or gentlemen are definitely not qualifying as significant when plural.

I don't believe in successfully balancing two love relationships. If you thought you had those two, sad news, homie, you probably have none worth having. I don't think it's possible for a couple to dissolve because someone else showed up and interfered with their business. If there was room for interference to begin with, the intruder neither has a reason to self five, nor should be made to wear a scarlet letter for home wrecking . I absolutely don't believe in compulsively hovering over different desserts when you've carefully selected your cake.

I guess what I mean is, choose one other that is significant enough to make (maximum) two sufficient. And ride your damn bicycle of choice. After all, in the long run, that's undoubtedly better for your environment.

He's Just Not That Into You

I've recently inexplicably gained the role of trustworthy adviser for several wonderful ladies. See, they are still doing a great job at being profoundly womanly when it comes to love, infatuation and other similar drugs emotions. Which, how to put this nicely, causes them to momentarily be heartbreaking doofuses.

I honestly don't know what brought about this popularity of my recommendations. Could be my cynicism with regard to matters of the heart. Or my cold bloodiness in providing counselling to anyone's restless soul but my own. Perhaps my loudly declared conviction that sometimes, even a hint of a negative balance between costs and benefits is reason enough not to start, or settle for, anything else but absolute. Or just the fact that I happen to be there, with the rudeness of a truck driver, telling them what they don't want need to hear.

You see, I am by no means claiming to be some sort of scholar in the arts and crafts of handling true adoration, or more likely lack thereof. I just happened to learn one or two things whilst naively being at the receiving end of fifty shades of shit, and becoming the aforementioned doofus myself. To be clear, I am not referring to subtle hints, possible lose end situations or hidden meaning actions. I am talking here about the obvious, the coarse, the ugly.  Allow me to exemplify.

He is using internationally acknowledged language for what i like to call "on-the-hook-ness".My personal favorite is "Not right now". Which translates, with no exception, into "Oh, don't mind me, I know you have a ton of feelings so I will keep you pointlessly hung up here a little. Or a lot, I've not decided just yet."

He's sleeping with your sister. Or your best friend, who just so happens to be a guy. Or your pet goat. Or anyone else for that matter.

He set your car on fire. Or stole your wallet. Or drank the last beer.

He prioritizes anything and anyone else but you, and should you point it out he claims that you're an overly attached, delusional, suffocating person.

He is mindful of his own comfort at any cost. He is giving ridiculously little,yet feels entitled to the whole of your world, time, feelings, money, chocolate cake, vagina.

Should you, my dear, have ticked any of the above, (yes, including the beer), here's a thought to prevent you from imminent disillusion.

Maybe the timing is bad. Or he is a little broken. Perhaps he does not know how to express his feelings. Maybe this and that. But very likely and very simple, he's just not that into you.