Goodnight.Goodnight?

I've set yet another countdown for a ticking bomb, a deadline for cutting down the compromise, the unhappiness, the disappointment. I know,it's not always rainbows and butterflies, but too much compromise fails at moving  me along, yet pushes me back into the bitterness. Which, despite all odds, I know is too damn highly amounted when proportioned to my still young being, to my Lilliputian worries, that feed bigger monsters.
Meanwhile, I'm smelling baked corn, unwillingly live listening to the Uefa final, weirldy reminiscing about an odd  highschool compulsory novel about a girl called Nora who dreamed about washing her lover's socks, being particularly irritated and dismayed.

That Awkward Morning

That awkard moment. When you wake up one random morning after sleeping for very few hours, after your nerves have been forced like a chewing gum spread until exhaustion, after you have done favours on top of favours with no pleasure whatsoever. One morning when you have to be in two or more places at once, you cannot put anything in your system besides an ice coffee prepared with hot water, because you're running out of milk. That specific morning when you've already done so much and don't know how you did it, but there's still so much ahead. When your appearance brings about cleaning facilities, eyebrows mops, hair broom. But you have to fix it and move on. That one time when despite all odds you have to shine and be simply great. That awkward awful morning before the amazing one.

Later edit: I got through today. I just gained back an idol. Aaand Grey's Anatomy has freaking good music. Since ever, forever and ever.

Dog Days Are Over

Here came the sun, and we went back to our old ways of walking in the nearest park, this time all themed up for Easter, with sparkly eggs and pedophile looking bunnies. I am still sticking to my 28 day improvement plan, I'm well entrenched in it, but due to my notorious lazy strike I've decided that it becomes rather mundane to speak of my schedule on a daily basis, as my notable achievements may turn out to be signs of mere benevolence for the rest of mankind. So I conveniently set my mind on a wrap up story, with just status reports once in a while. As for now, the German lessons [courtesy of my dear snake] are "sehr gut", I play new games, go to new places and try new foods every day, I pay compliments from the bottom of my little black heart, I speak my mind and show my frustration more than usual. On Sundays, I dress up a little too much and go to parks where I give the evil eye to the not so cute or the cute couples, irrespectively, I drink mixed fruit smoothies and I take in the green and the sun, trying not to turn into a sad cat lady.

Day 1

The first day of my self imposed improvement programme, which makes complete sense to me while totally perplexing the others, granting me the "crazy eyes" sneer from them, went rather great. One would expect that my enthusiasm should decrease as we count down [or up] the days, but in this concern I am quite atypical. And by this I mean that at the beginning of anything I tend to be rather reluctant, not completely disinterested yet sort of detached. But if I don't start by being the most enthusiastic, in time I'm prone to become fonder and more committed, up to the point of overinvolvement. So if I conformed myself to my cause from Day 1, our attachment will for sure reach the top of convolution as the days go by.

After the intricate introduction, a little bit of measurable success. Cause after all, it is not so much about the process, but totally about the success.

By category.

Try out something new: I discovered a brand new singer, Clare Maguire, liked it a little bit. Took a different route home. Drank an entire can of Dr. Pepper, found it a bit overrated.

Find out something interesting about someone dear: learned my boyfriend's favorite foods and my roomie's teenagehood wishes, thank you dears for bearing with me, but there's more to come as there aren't so many truly dears for me.

Do something nurturing for my mind: learned more then 10 words in German, got a positive escalation at work.

Do something happy for my body: Took a 40 minute walk, will put on a face mask by the end of the day. And will do the 8 minute abs.

Acknowledge something I don't like and talk about it: This is a tricky one, at a trivial level, I scolded a colleague for inattentively dropping bread crumbs in the pizza box. At a deeper level, I owned what a horrible listener I am.

Pay an honest compliment: I kept praising a colleague's dog, which is honestly the cutest pet in the world. Besides my own cat. Ok, cutest dog in the world.

Scored 6 out of 6, I'll drink to that. 

Healer's List

Since I have recently decomposed all the "constructive criticism" I received from well intended ladies or gents, there still remain the flaws I do a great job discovering by myself. Reading me one would swear that, at least at a theoretical level, I am striving to overcome my defects, training to become an utopian being. But here's what I have to cope with. I've been recently struggling with a underdog feeling. No matter what I do, I sense that I am underachieving in every and all areas possible. Which gives me a constant feeling of discontent, and an adjacent outward dissatisfied state, which further throws me into a vicious circle. Dissatisfied me is more or less [most likely more] bitchy, demotivated, bitter, indecisive, moods that translate into my giving less than I could actually give and my taking in far less than I would deserve,  which by all means cause more discontent and draw wider circles on what used to be calm water. Dismayed me is far less interesting, way more nagging, always bearing ludicrous questions or dismal topics.

My weird life policy, which consisted of my hating my own guts but strangely still considering myself above the rest of nearby mankind, started to reveal more and more loopholes. All this odd thinking does no good, but turns against me in the most nefarious way. So since I recently learned about myself that I am getting better at meeting deadlines, and since there's huge intrinsic pressure to add some value to my 25th anniversary, which is supposed to be a life-changing moment [when I should miraculously wake up wiser and thoroughly mature, like on every somewhat round birthday], I give myself exactly 4 weeks to improve. Despite of what may  seem comprehensive evidence, I am a pragmatic rather than a dreamer, so I am not expecting some motivational crap [this time molded in the form of  "to do list"]  to fundamentally change me in such a short time span, as I keep trusting that people stay more or less the same, what changes are just the circumstances they act upon. What I do expect though is to become more accustomed to what I am and have and cope better with my reality, in order to find a way to rise still being true to whatever that reality is. 

Among the daily action items on my healer draft, I listed whatever may drag me a step further from my self instated fear and loathing, i.e. paying an honest compliment, finding out something new about a person I say I love, doing something nurturing for my brain, doing something happy for my body, acknowledging a disturbing fact and talking about it, trying out something unfamiliar. Putting it trivially, I cannot keep claiming the supremacy on myself if I don't learn being the one I appreciate most, and I cannot preach my love for the others if I keep failing them. So let the countdown begin. Motivational much? Motivational music also, be it.

I am, whatever you say I am.

I am really awful when it comes to accepting critiques. In an ingrate kind of way, I keep criticizing everything that moves or breathes, but I have this abominable habit of failing to take in the "constructive commentaries". In an even more ingrate kind of way, and sort of weird at some level, I stir up people to point out my flaws, only to afterwards indulge in the nasty things I hear about myself. Then I somehow twist them around in my twisted head, cover them up in sugarcoating, until they actually have a chance of appearing in a positive light. There's this standard question in all the pre-interviews, where one should point out their strengths and weaknesses. What's even more common than the question itself is the fact that everyone's aware that one ought to find a defect that can be, in some manner, turned around so that it turns into a quality. 

I'd hate to be misunderstood, and in my defensive fashion of presenting facts, I'm gonna start from the premise that I am by no means infallible, on the contrary, I keep discovering imperfections every day. It's just that the people who think of themselves as fit to bring up my flaws, are simply that kind of people that provide me with pre-interview convertible weaknesses.

I've been recently told that I am difficult. That was because I had the guts to get into an argument with a guy who proclaims himself as "a smart guy that reads a lot", and the recklessness to contradict his 1 inch broad vision. I decided to conclude that by "difficult" he meant "complex", which after all is not bad at all, is it?

I've been scolded for being pretentious and snobby. Yes, I care about the place I buy my underwear and coffee from, and I fancy going on holidays abroad instead of my homeland. But it's only because I have a strong practical sense long term wise and when feasible I don't cut down on quality.

So, they say I am also arrogant and unnecessarily sarcastic, especially when meeting new people. I reckon a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do, and on the top of my list is filtering as conveniently as possible the persons I surround myself with. If I can still go for sarcasm and arrogance instead of an axe, so be it!

You would never guess, I am also precious. Not in a nice sense, I don't believe I've unlocked that achievement, of being truly precious for anyone else except my mother. I apparently am a sylphid brat. Just because I have the nerve sometimes to be a bit protective of my own (precious) self.

After all these bluntly stated opinions, what else is there? I'd guess nothing but bitterness and a proper music background. Whatever,  whatever,  whatever.

You're amazing, but...

When I stop being completely drowned in my own drama and egotism for even one minute I begin descrying that my friends are pretty insightful. It's because I chose them so, of course. [Or who knows, karma] No, actually, I've selected this immediate explanation in order to prove a point, namely that I am no good at paying compliments to people. Fact that was recently brought to my attention by one of my insightful friends, whom, of course, I chose so.

I was analyzing my socially autistic heart recently, and I guess this extremely circumscribed affinity to uttering my inside stormy weather has an army of siblings, which come as a full package and reunite like a numerous family around a dinner table, during some random occasion. Where they do not share anything but food and awkward silence, but they are forced to comply to a socially natural behaviour. Strange i should go for this allegory, but this must be it, my being incapacitated to say nice things to people and to praise them accordingly to their merits, the young moody teenage sister of my autistic heart.

So take this, I cannot go the extra cutesy mile and pay a beautiful compliment. And it's not even the fact that I never say nice things to people, maybe that'd be better, sometimes silence is the true philosopher's stone. It's my twisted way of pouring a bucket of irony or bitterness right on the top of my recently spoken honest compliment. Or the way I make it all about myself in the blink of an eye, without giving the poor commendation the slightest break to breathe or to be. It's the way I seldom choose to say "That's great" instead of "That's not bad".

Who knows where this handicap finds its roots. Might be in my endless insecurities, or in the way I was brought up, silently advised that showing people how valuable they're to you puts you in a vulnerable position. Might be just a tint of arrogance, of course pairing flawlessly with the aforementioned insecurities, which enables me to think that anything one can do I can do better, or at least I can top them with some other compensatory quality, however unrelated that might appear. And obviously, if I am worthy of all those compliments myself, why bother praise the others.

Wherever this comes from, my compliment aversion can be summed up perfectly using the worst break up line ever. It's not you, it's me. You are all amazing. But...

Later edit: here's some musical background also, don't exactly know what it has to do, but since I've been talking about my farfetched momentarily superiority...it's 'cause I feel like I'm the worst that I always act like I'm the best.