Irrelephant.

If you want trainings on how to successfully be irrelevant, I'm your man. I don't know how I do it, but apparently among my numberless 'talents' there's also this weird one. Of being easygoing after my two minutes of adaptability request have been granted, of being in the center of attention although sometimes attention whorish, and being adorable nonetheless, however not having my name or myself per se remembered or seriously accounted for.

It would not be such a momentous issue, were it to be limited exclusively to my will to be endlessly likeable to them all boys and girls, to be listened and contemplated by wide believing eyes and ears and have my brains fedback out. This level of frivolous significance I did achieve, but mostly from people who unfortunately are themselves irrelevant to me. I'm not generalizing and by no means I mean this as a gratuitous iniquity, them people cannot be all equally important, but I be damned if I'm not a masochist and choose to heartily prioritize those who will not give a damn.

What's becoming more and more stringent and obvious is that I fail to shine exactly where I mostly should. And it is frustrating as hell, and exemplifiable in all freakin major areas . Because I can do a great job, an outstanding one if I may brag a bit, but I fail to show it. And my being a silent achiever, why, no thanks. Because opportunities keep flying around making my head spin, but I cannot grasp them at their entirety and I have people asking me if I'm showing the real me and if I'm exploiting myself at full capacity. And my forcedly waltzing forever with the wrong job, again, no thank you. Because I try to express my frustrations, or at least start somewhere, and my wish to have a healthy discussion is waved in another's non-wish to polemicise. And my settling for sterile half-relationships, no more, no thank you.

Heartbreaking is that I do realize my irrelevance, the big elephant in the room, and I do try to push for a change. But if people and circumstances have already decided on one's level of significance, it's rather tough to change that. Meanwhile, quoting, I'm just gonna go and stand outside, and if anyone asks, I'm Outstanding.

Miss Little Jeans

It was inevitable that, momentarily for the least, this sweet little nest of complaints and raised voices would turn into a fashion temple as well. Just like its outrageously unstable patroness, it allows itself sporadic glitches. So what if it has been proclaimed as a place where only feelings and foods grow? Crina also appreciates fashion, and has thus chosen to put forward one of the plainest outfits ever.  Which however made her little black heart jump with joy in a Saturday afternoon. And as this third person talking is getting awfully awkward, please allow me to introduce myself, Miss Little Jeans, in a June mood and appearance.

Wearing: BIK BOK Baby Blue Jeans Shorts and Studded Leather Bracelet, H&M Light Pink Loose Top, Greige Flats, Red Bracelets and Round Sunglasses, RIVER ISLAND Robot Necklace, SWATCH Multicolored Wristwatch, ZARA Squared Bag,  Beaded Vest courtesy of my Mom.


And of course, 'hundreds of inspiration' from Miss Little Jeans musical better half:

Goodnight.Goodnight?

I've set yet another countdown for a ticking bomb, a deadline for cutting down the compromise, the unhappiness, the disappointment. I know,it's not always rainbows and butterflies, but too much compromise fails at moving  me along, yet pushes me back into the bitterness. Which, despite all odds, I know is too damn highly amounted when proportioned to my still young being, to my Lilliputian worries, that feed bigger monsters.
Meanwhile, I'm smelling baked corn, unwillingly live listening to the Uefa final, weirldy reminiscing about an odd  highschool compulsory novel about a girl called Nora who dreamed about washing her lover's socks, being particularly irritated and dismayed.

That Awkward Morning

That awkard moment. When you wake up one random morning after sleeping for very few hours, after your nerves have been forced like a chewing gum spread until exhaustion, after you have done favours on top of favours with no pleasure whatsoever. One morning when you have to be in two or more places at once, you cannot put anything in your system besides an ice coffee prepared with hot water, because you're running out of milk. That specific morning when you've already done so much and don't know how you did it, but there's still so much ahead. When your appearance brings about cleaning facilities, eyebrows mops, hair broom. But you have to fix it and move on. That one time when despite all odds you have to shine and be simply great. That awkward awful morning before the amazing one.

Later edit: I got through today. I just gained back an idol. Aaand Grey's Anatomy has freaking good music. Since ever, forever and ever.

Dog Days Are Over

Here came the sun, and we went back to our old ways of walking in the nearest park, this time all themed up for Easter, with sparkly eggs and pedophile looking bunnies. I am still sticking to my 28 day improvement plan, I'm well entrenched in it, but due to my notorious lazy strike I've decided that it becomes rather mundane to speak of my schedule on a daily basis, as my notable achievements may turn out to be signs of mere benevolence for the rest of mankind. So I conveniently set my mind on a wrap up story, with just status reports once in a while. As for now, the German lessons [courtesy of my dear snake] are "sehr gut", I play new games, go to new places and try new foods every day, I pay compliments from the bottom of my little black heart, I speak my mind and show my frustration more than usual. On Sundays, I dress up a little too much and go to parks where I give the evil eye to the not so cute or the cute couples, irrespectively, I drink mixed fruit smoothies and I take in the green and the sun, trying not to turn into a sad cat lady.

Day 1

The first day of my self imposed improvement programme, which makes complete sense to me while totally perplexing the others, granting me the "crazy eyes" sneer from them, went rather great. One would expect that my enthusiasm should decrease as we count down [or up] the days, but in this concern I am quite atypical. And by this I mean that at the beginning of anything I tend to be rather reluctant, not completely disinterested yet sort of detached. But if I don't start by being the most enthusiastic, in time I'm prone to become fonder and more committed, up to the point of overinvolvement. So if I conformed myself to my cause from Day 1, our attachment will for sure reach the top of convolution as the days go by.

After the intricate introduction, a little bit of measurable success. Cause after all, it is not so much about the process, but totally about the success.

By category.

Try out something new: I discovered a brand new singer, Clare Maguire, liked it a little bit. Took a different route home. Drank an entire can of Dr. Pepper, found it a bit overrated.

Find out something interesting about someone dear: learned my boyfriend's favorite foods and my roomie's teenagehood wishes, thank you dears for bearing with me, but there's more to come as there aren't so many truly dears for me.

Do something nurturing for my mind: learned more then 10 words in German, got a positive escalation at work.

Do something happy for my body: Took a 40 minute walk, will put on a face mask by the end of the day. And will do the 8 minute abs.

Acknowledge something I don't like and talk about it: This is a tricky one, at a trivial level, I scolded a colleague for inattentively dropping bread crumbs in the pizza box. At a deeper level, I owned what a horrible listener I am.

Pay an honest compliment: I kept praising a colleague's dog, which is honestly the cutest pet in the world. Besides my own cat. Ok, cutest dog in the world.

Scored 6 out of 6, I'll drink to that. 

Healer's List

Since I have recently decomposed all the "constructive criticism" I received from well intended ladies or gents, there still remain the flaws I do a great job discovering by myself. Reading me one would swear that, at least at a theoretical level, I am striving to overcome my defects, training to become an utopian being. But here's what I have to cope with. I've been recently struggling with a underdog feeling. No matter what I do, I sense that I am underachieving in every and all areas possible. Which gives me a constant feeling of discontent, and an adjacent outward dissatisfied state, which further throws me into a vicious circle. Dissatisfied me is more or less [most likely more] bitchy, demotivated, bitter, indecisive, moods that translate into my giving less than I could actually give and my taking in far less than I would deserve,  which by all means cause more discontent and draw wider circles on what used to be calm water. Dismayed me is far less interesting, way more nagging, always bearing ludicrous questions or dismal topics.

My weird life policy, which consisted of my hating my own guts but strangely still considering myself above the rest of nearby mankind, started to reveal more and more loopholes. All this odd thinking does no good, but turns against me in the most nefarious way. So since I recently learned about myself that I am getting better at meeting deadlines, and since there's huge intrinsic pressure to add some value to my 25th anniversary, which is supposed to be a life-changing moment [when I should miraculously wake up wiser and thoroughly mature, like on every somewhat round birthday], I give myself exactly 4 weeks to improve. Despite of what may  seem comprehensive evidence, I am a pragmatic rather than a dreamer, so I am not expecting some motivational crap [this time molded in the form of  "to do list"]  to fundamentally change me in such a short time span, as I keep trusting that people stay more or less the same, what changes are just the circumstances they act upon. What I do expect though is to become more accustomed to what I am and have and cope better with my reality, in order to find a way to rise still being true to whatever that reality is. 

Among the daily action items on my healer draft, I listed whatever may drag me a step further from my self instated fear and loathing, i.e. paying an honest compliment, finding out something new about a person I say I love, doing something nurturing for my brain, doing something happy for my body, acknowledging a disturbing fact and talking about it, trying out something unfamiliar. Putting it trivially, I cannot keep claiming the supremacy on myself if I don't learn being the one I appreciate most, and I cannot preach my love for the others if I keep failing them. So let the countdown begin. Motivational much? Motivational music also, be it.